HMMMMMMMMMM..MMM.

well ol friend, its been over a month since I've blogged online. I have journaled though. I just don't know what I should be posting online yet as far as blogging goes. Because you see, I see myself as a role-model in my faith online. And quite frankly these past few months have been hard. I don't want to be emo and all down with my ...erm...bloggings?

so yes, I don't want to be down and make other people sad/wonder about me. I wish to be encouraging... yes. ... but erm it is nice to see that other people struggle too I suppose. ugh ugh ugh.

but also, I don't want to let the public completely into my life. bugger.

okay, I think I'll pray about it.

!

GOD

Okay I'm going to be honest here...

Sometimes I forget to put God first.

It's not like I do it on purpose, it's just that life gets ahead of me. I don't forget about Him, I just need to realize when I put something before Him. Its almost like making my own idol. =[

These idols can change, they can go from: people, to objects, to even thoughts. Out of these, I find that most often it's people that I end up placing first in my life.

I find sometimes that I have to remind myself that it's all about God.

It's not about this person, it's about God.

It's not about this thing, it's all about God.

It's not about me.... IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD

Lord, please help me to see and understand when I do this before it becomes an issue.

i⋅dol  [ahyd-l] –noun

1.an image or other material object representing a deity to which religious worship is addressed.

2.Bible.

....a.an image of a deity other than God.

....b.the deity itself.

3.any person or thing regarded with blind admiration, adoration, or devotion

4.a mere image or semblance of something, visible but without substance, as a phantom.

5.a figment of the mind; fantasy.

6.a false conception or notion; fallacy.

My brain is a silly

FACT: Things don't typically sink into my mind.

I'll know things, and I might understand them at the moment, but when it comes down to it a lot doesn't sink in. It's like things don't affect me personally until I've lived through them. And even then some things are still hard for me to fully understand. I find it hard to sympathize or empathize even if I can relate.

A lot of the time... I'll know the right answer, the right thing to do, but because things don't exactly connect I do something wrong.

But having things not connect is like this: knowing the lyrics to a song and able to sing a long... and finally one day it will just click what the one very important verse is about. and the song takes a completely different meaning to you.

Lord give me understanding. Teach me what will help me understand. pa-lease

<3

ANYHOW-- I've been studying about words today... here's my notes.

Word(s)- 962 times in NIV

Prophets speak words to bring prophecy into existence- a lot of the time the prophecy they speak about has to do with things that seem outlandish. Like they would never happen

Gift of healing speaks words to call out disease and sickness

Tongues gift of an audible language direct connection to God

God SPOKE the earth into existence

God’s word in your mouth is just as powerful as God’s word in God’s mouth

WORDS CAN BE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE:

Words command things to happen or not to happen

Words console the hurt

Words encourage

Words bring good & bad news

Words profess what the heart feels

…

Words hurt the hurt

Words discourage

Words linger

Reap what you sow

Think before speaking

Listen before talking

WORDS ARE ENCOURAGING

2 Chronicles 15:8When Asa heard these words and the prophecy of Azariah son of Oded the prophet, he took courage…

Job4:4Your (Job’s) words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees.

Eph.4:29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

THE TONGUE IS EVIL

James 3: 5-6 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

Proverbs 18 From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled; 
with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. 21 The tongue has the power of life and death, 
and those who love it will eat its fruit.

YOUR TONGUE BRINGS JUDGMENT

Job15 2-6 "Would a wise man answer with empty notions 
or fill his belly with the hot east wind? 3 Would he argue with useless words, 
with speeches that have no value?4 But you even undermine piety and hinder devotion to God.5 Your sin prompts your mouth; 
you adopt the tongue of the crafty.6 Your own mouth condemns you, not mine; your own lips testify against you.

Matt.12:34-37 34You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. 35The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. 36But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken. 37For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned."

The complete reality of it all is this:

Things happen.

Although we might not always agree with it.

Things are always going to happen.

so roll with the punches, take every second as it is.

check yourself.

.... check your motives

.... check your actions

.... check your prerogatives

.... check everything!

seriously.

one selfish move while you're in the moment can destroy so much in the long run.

and face it, there is no turning back time.

eventually, things will iron out. Time... everything takes time to heal.

... relationships, feelings, pride, trust... They're gonna take time to heal, just like a flesh wound. you can't expect to get up and run with a broken leg.

But we all make mistakes. God puts us through these things for a reason; so we can learn. So we can come out of them knowing what to do the next time. And finally, so we can teach and share with our experience.

But boy does it suck when you're going through it. 0.o

Burn In Me

So I hate looking stupid.

But I think thats it's going to be what it takes to make me humble.

I try too hard to look cool, act cool, be cool.

My efforts are often thrown back in my face because I end up doing something stupid.

I need to let go of trying to impress people.

I need to be me.

People love ME, not this thing that I put on to impress them.

This is the ugly side of me...

A side that I knew I had, but I never put attention on it to fix it.

I just figured it would just go away.. you know with time and such.

But in all reality... this is something I need to deal with.

This is something that is ruining friendships.

This is ruining relationships

THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!

Lord, I need your help with this. I know I can't do this on my own... I know it, I've tried.

I just get sick of getting called stupid when I try so hard to be the opposite.

I need to be ME

Glorious Unseen -Burn in me

"Fire of God
Burn in me
Capture my heart again
Pull me through
Make me clean
I'm reaching for your love

Come carry me now
I'm crying out
For someone I can not see
Come carry me now
I'm crying

How I long to be broken
How I want to be near you
How my heart skips beats when
Your love excepts me as I am

..."

So there's been a lot on my mind lately

I have a lot on my mind right now. And yes, yes I am venting to a computer. Why? well to tell you the truth, it's because I don't really have anyone else to vent to. That and nobody knows about this blogger yet anyhow.

Of course I vent to God tho. But there is just something about seeing what's on my mind all written out. Writing helps me understand and put logic to what I'm feeling or thinking.

Anyhow, I've screwed some stuff up... pretty badly. (oh how I wish to go back in time.)

I just don't understand this season of my life. I've seen things in me that are so ugly and disgusting, that I didn't realize I had. I'm finding all my flaws... which is a good thing don't get me wrong! Now I can work on them. Seeing them has placed me on a path to make myself a better person.

But why this season?! Why this season in my life?

Only God knows...

So I put my faith in Him.

He'll work it out. He's doing this for a reason.

Despite what I think now, in the future I will be able to look back on this and know what He has brought me through.

Psalms 42:5-6ish

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and ⁶ my God...."

How often am i going to blog?? Why?

Well as long as there are things on my mind, I'll keep it flowing.

Normally I'll pick up one of my old notebooks and just go with the flow of what I've been thinking about.

I'm starting to blog online now because I feel like I need to be deeper as a person. I mean, I can be deep when its me and my notebook. Or every once and a while when I'm with a close friend... but I've come to a realization that in person I can be rather shallow.

I'm not shallow! I'm really not!

I just struggle with opening up to people, especially the people whom I like most. I fear their judgment of me as a person... a lot of the time, I'll try to open up to them, but my mind will do this thing where it just goes blank. I don't know what it is. I'll try to open up and talk about things, but my mind goes and completely zones out. Yeah I know it sounds stupid, but I'll honestly try super hard to keep a conversation, or find things to say, but NOPE. I hate it. That's not who I am! It's ruing friendships.


I think, I think too much

ANYHOW! welcome to my blogger. Whether you're a friend who I've told about this, or just a random person who has stumbled upon this page. Hi.

I'm simply a girl, with complex thoughts, and hidden emotions.